Friday, November 29

Our last hug

Telling myself I would hug you for the last time ever. I stood there, I hugged you tight.
I want to feel it again.
I really miss you.

Friday, November 22

My life since then

Firstly, I would like to share this post of Tammy (ohsofickle.blogspot.com).
It relates to me really a lot... Go read it first!

Emotions were on a roller coaster ride and I had a hard time dealing with it.

This is the first time ever I initiate the breakup to A. After 6 years of relationship, all that we had been through, I wanted/needed the break. Friends around me tell me not to worry, he would be back in no time just because this was how our relationship was in the beginning. We will get back together after every "break up". This time I felt the difference. I remember when he just entered NS, I sent him a long text that says something like this, "Baby, now that you're in army, more mature already right? I hope that no matter what both of us cannot say the word break easily already. We're no longer young and this is the last chance I will give it to you, to our relationship." I am serious and I am going to keep to my words. I'm really tired of all the arguments we had daily. It's mostly because of me being unreasonable and not understanding, and A being real busy when he just transfer out to a new station that need him to work even on weekends. I felt the distance between us, but I was wrong. Being a girl needs to be assure regularly but knowing how inexpressive A is, I feel that he no longer loved me that much. All of these were just my thoughts. But I could argue with him, hurting and questioning him again and again on how much love have he had for me. I was too dramatic.

Hang out with my best friend from poly and he told me something that I did not realize.
"Army's time is not decided by him, he have no say in whatever he's going to do. Sir say what, he do what. Even go toilet also need ask permission. You think he got the time to accompany you during his duties?"
Which is very true, and I hated myself for that ugly side of me. I have always been comprising when it comes to him doing his own things while I watch my dramas or play games. I think that both of us need that space and freedom after such a long week and shouldn't stick together like how we used to. Over time, this had been taken for granted. He loves to play basketball which I always allow him to because when he tells me about his army problems, I don't understand as I am never in army before. I thought it might be good for him to hang out with the dudes to talk it out. Enjoy something that he love to do every weekend, I never stop him once. But it becomes a habit that I always allow him to go for basketball nights, sometimes I really want him to accompany me because I really miss him throughout the week and I could only meet him on Saturdays.
It slowly becomes an argument every time he asked his friends to "play ball?" every week. Did my good intention turned out to be something that was taken granted? I don't know. I will never have the chance to know or go through it again.

It's been almost 3 months since we broke up. I could deal with it for the first month because I started doing things that was alluring to me when I was attached. I had the feeling that "I can finally go club and drinking. I am going to get drunk and fuck everything" which I have to thank my friend for bringing me there to keep myself occupied and doing the things I wanted since I am single. Single or attached, it is just a status. Believe it or not, my heart is still with A every single day. Things started to get a little better because J came along and accompanied me for a few weeks. He took over the "I need to text someone" role and I felt okay because I had someone to talk to. It all turned bad when I came back from Bangkok trip, the moment I arrived at the arrival hall, I felt so different. I was looking for A, I want to see him so badly because I missed him so much. For the past few trips, A always manage to fetch me but this time round he is not there. I still remembered last year when I went for my China trip for a month and came back, A was angry with me because I didn't gave him a hug in front of my family. He pouted and I'll never forget this moment. A looked very cute and charming and I would give him a 120% for that look. A is used to me travelling and we even planned a trip to Bangkok in March 2014 after his ORD. I want to bring him to my "hometown".

Till the day which I had been waiting, I knew he had a girlfriend.. He always does this to me after every break up and I am still not immune to it. I feel absolutely down because now he is saying "I love you" to another girl. Unable to put down my own ego, I never want him to move on before I move on. I have the revengeful feeling that I will live better without him.

Then I finally realized how much good time we had spent together. I really missed him so much at times I don't even cry. I only cried once throughout this period which was the day I met him and returned his belongings. I was disappointed that he did not even apologize or try asking me not to leave him. If he said it, he knew I will give us another chance. I re-read our texts, our funny conversation, instagram's pictures and comments and I saw how he used to propose to me through the good night message I requested. He always have spelling mistakes in his text which makes him even cuter. I was regarded as his wife and our endless conversation when it comes to our future. A's gonna make me the most happiest bride in the world. I believe he could do it, I believe he will give me no matter what I want. Now it seemed like it was just words.. Would you divorce your wife just because you had communications breakdown? He don't even try, he just let me go. I was really disappointed and heart broken. I never wanted to leave him. I missed Sunday's home cook breakfast by him, our car rides together and even missed your voice.

All these are getting better although sometimes I still think of him. Life still goes on whether good or bad. I try to control my emotions and do things to distract myself. He have moved on and found someone even better than me and I'm really happy for him. He will always be the best boyfriend I had and I am not going to forget the memories we had. I really wish you all the best in life.

While I am still enjoying the time and freedom I have, a 50-50 good bad news came along. I am starting my Uni in Jan 2014!!!! I never feel so stress and excited at the same time for school.

Hwaiting for a new year/ new beginning/ a new life.